Category Archives: Personal Journal

Day 15 :)

As a kid I loved losing myself in a book I indulged in the greatness of my imagination I was in awe how me and the author could paint such a vivid picture in my mind. I loved the fact I could be here for a second and gone the next I loved the fact that I felt as if I was able to just look over the main characters shoulder and see the evil they faced. I loved how I could walk down the street after reading a book and start my own adventure. That is why I write I want to help some escape their own body and fly to the place I wrote on the pages that are right before your eyes. When I describe feeling the cool night air grazing your skin sending a slight chill to thru your body I want you to know I’m just sitting outside enjoy natures air (tho its not really nature I still value outdoors). I write to voice the opinion of those who can’t be heard to show that though pen and paper are legacy equipment words are endless and will always be able to be as refreshing as diving into a pool on a hot summer day. Ill always appreciate a good writer now it doesn’t take much to make anyone a good writer you just have to open your mind and write your soul. So if you remember any of the words I wrote you have a piece of me with you which doesn’t mean I have to be special to you but at least I caught your attention and engraved something in your mind. With the first book I write I want to see if I could put my soul down I want this book to not have my blood sweat and tears but I need people to feel that when you let it all out you see that someone will be more then willing to do it back. Isn’t that only way to really know who someone is ? Well they do say that eyes are the gateways to the soul so welcome to my minds eye where you can see my soul.

– Seems as if we have more years gone then left so try to make everything right – SoFkknAmazing



Day 14 Priorities

A lot of thoughts cypher through my head and it is hard to focus sometimes but my teacher did tell never multi task just do all tasks one at a time and make sure you get everything you need done in an appropriate manner. I figured out what pains me is the relationship I had with my family well the lack there of not gonna bore with all the stress but just wanted to at least admit that to my self I was worried about writing because I somehow always thought one day I won’t have anymore words to express myself. Luckily I pushed passed that thought and just focused on the task at hand. Soon I’m going to be collaborating with my boy third helping him finish his poetry book as well as getting his help finishing up my book. Just going to make sure I do everything in a timely fashion so hope fully before April finishes I should at least have a finish rough draft so if anybody knows any editors I can at least get it out there. I like the idea in my head so when I paint a vivid image in your head by the words I print down you’ll enjoy it too. Tomorrow I get Internet so hopefully I can try to get one more person who flows with words to maybe help so I can push it out faster. I know of someone who writes that always seems to captivate my imagination with her writing but we did recently have a falling out. You can say it was because of me but personally I can’t stand someone who doesn’t listen to what someone has to say before listening. Assumptions makes an ass out of yu and makes me laugh maybe one day ill slow down my harsh ways of dealing with people but Rome wasn’t built in one day so it does mean I do have sometime before worrying about that. So if anyone does want to help just comment and ill reply with an email and discuss what you’ll need to do. Hopefully our strong points will bring out a great finished product anyways my day was okay I’m slowly but surely becoming more social again. I do rather enjoy being at home the out and about because I feel like instead of spend all that time enjoying my self for the moment and enduring reality when that moments over. Let me get everything prioritized and in order so once I’m out and about ill be the one humming no worries with a smile in my heart.

– Life sucks less when you achieve success – SoFkknAmazing


Day 10 Dreams

sorry for my unexpected break and I’m only apologizing to the one person who really motivated me to even remember I had a blog. I have really been thinking lately even more deeply then I was before I’ve been taking influences by more and more people. I even had my brain open to strangers friends even random Internet advice seems I had hit a new low but I do feeling greatly enlightened. This was basically my way of informing you that I will be rambling on for a while or maybe somewhere in the middle ill wrap it up and have something to write about tomorrow. By the way happy birthday Krissy even tho it’s tomorrow I wanted to be first to say it since you are an avid reader 🙂 now back to me I have genuinely changed my way of thinking it wasn’t that it wasn’t working it was more I wasn’t working. See every year I can say things have gradually gotten better compared to last year but by the end of every year with all the bumps and bruises I have receive the sound of a new start is always going to make me think it can’t be as worst as last year. Friends I held dear I will have to do without and the family I never had I can’t wish for anymore because I will be reminded every Christmas that maybe I wasn’t good enough to get my wish this year and to jus try again in the new year. Sorry I can’t my new mental is just be SoFkknAmazing it sounds so conceited when people ask what makes me so amazing and I reply me. I am so serious when I say it tho I aim to be that guy I have so much ambition that I just can’t wait to help everyone else I’m just going to do what I have to do to help me and anyone who wants to get involved with me. I hate liars people who are just full of empty promises and all those who dismiss instead of address. All I got is a dollar and a dream now watch me begin to dream chase and since they say I can rest when I’m dead guess I just won’t stop running. At the end of the day nothing in life is free but when you just sit and breath and think the thought you had with your free will I wonder how much that cost you. To get to certain places in life people are ready to sell their soul or just drop all their goals or keep living day by day until they grow old. Not I I will not tell a lie I plan to rise straight to the sky live up there until I die and got back high. I don’t need empathy nor sympathy I would love to surround myself with people who don’t sidetrack but interact not leaving you in the dark instead of shedding some light people who don’t care about what happen back then people who don’t have to try to be your friend. I have held so much in before slowly but surely letting it but some scars will never heal even with all the time in the world just because I care. you know nothing can heal if you pick at the scabs well they can you would just be stupid enough to pick at it again to unleash everything. Sorry to everyone who could never come to grips with who I am because they weren’t really aiming at me they were aiming at who I could be or thought I could be and thank you for those who are here who actually keep me in there prayers and actually miss me when I’m not there. Elephants aren’t able to cry but they never forget so if they can’t forget all they endured and never shed a tear what right do I have. Well thanks for listening while I vented don’t forget to comment or something if you can take the time out your day or night to read I be more then happy to reply at anytime.

– P.S. I do suck at replying bare with me your never forgotten – SoFkknAmazing


Day 5 who am I ?

*sigh* do yu ever feel unimportant ? sometimes I feel so useless and insignificant i jus succumb to the corner of my mind where I matter. my friend said he thinks I’m lonely I tell him I’m not I always have someone I can go hang out with but what’s the point of hanging out when yu feel so inferior. I lost 2 bills and a onion now even tho my fams still was gonna pay my way like how I feel about my worth and just losing 2 bills just crushed everything in me that thought about going out would be cool. even before all that I just feel sooo ugh like idk how to feel like I really just don’t care anymore. I’m not going to throw my life away so don’t put me on suicide alert but idk how to feel anything real like the only thing I care about right now is loyalty and money. Is that normal ? not being sure what happiness actually feels like not sure what loneliness feels like I know what seclusion feels like because I rather be by myself instead of dealing with fake only there when yu up no where near when yu down people that seem to be thriving in this modern day world. that’s why I’m so big on loyalty yu can’t trust every smile yu meet so if yu can have people by ya side who words actually carry out the verbs that were stringed together while they were talking. That’s why I’m slowly leaking my heart out so when it’s completely froze I can come back and read reminiscing on the times I probably had to wipe my wet eyes to sleep because the stress weighted so much on my heart it felt unbearable. I do envision one day being able to sit at the table with my circle and just vibe airing everything the ever weighed us down to just get lifted off us so we can just walk on air while in the clouds. Idk ill figure out how to manage somehow someway can’t stop taking them steps forward never looking back.

– people say let go and let god but don’t think he is gonna bring everything to yu gotta get up and go get too – SoFkknAmazing


Day 4 Shrinking my circle

what makes someone your friend?

this was a question people been struggling with and probably still struggle with until the end of time. just because they remember your birthday just because they remember your favorite color just because they know your middle name sometimes even those who been there from the beginning can’t even be called friends. I told my homeboy one day while we were driving that my life is the most important between the both of us. some people would say that was mean but I still know I’m going in a grave by myself so I gotta make sure I don’t send myself there early. back to the whole what is a friend situation we are currently on maybe some will disagree but who cares it’s my blog :p a friend is some who respects your mind and values your opinion because everyone is different there not always going to listen to you because we have to learn from our own mistakes. I feel a friend would never talk negative behind your back and would stand up for yu even if yu were laying in bed. a friend wouldn’t lie to yu about something trivial they would lie to keep yu from being hurt from stressing from tears running down your face. the biggest part of being a friend yu have to have respect loyalty comes in on your part if your going to call someone why not be loyal and if then yu find out that there was dishonor to the friendship yu talk about it then its on you if yu wanna pursue this or leave. all I wanted to do was really speak my mind on what a friendship should embody because I don’t feel someone should not call me a friend if they have no respect for me as a person then yu won’t have respect for our friendship. at the end of the day only a few are loyal and fewer are going to keep it real without belittling yu or what ur trying to accomplish and even fewer deserve the title of your friend. I keep a small circle and its gonna shrink even more because like I said my life is way more important then anyone elses so the ones I keep close to me are going to coming up with me. no it isn’t 50/50 we didn’t do it together but yu won’t be down and out especially if I got it even if its my last because I value my friendships. the infamous day 4 is finished I feel I needed to write this before someone can be like they my friend before knowing what a friend means to me

– forgive me for my past but don’t forget me in ya future – SoFkknAmazing


Day 3 baby steps

Phew I almost missed my chance to enter day 3 but I made it. When yu say yu gonna do it all yu gotta do is take the first step and continue stepping no rest because yu tired if yu tired yu sleep. All I know is at the end of the day I gotta get mines and if I don’t I’m gonna disappoint myself I can’t handle making myself sad how imma sleep at night. Life goes on with or without me so I’m trying to live not survive day to day isn’t the dream nor is pay check by pay check. I dreamt what I wanted to be so now I don’t sleep trying to become who I saw myself as. I have no time to waste so I tell everyone I’m close to they can’t waste my time.

– dreams are the building blocks but can’t lift anything asleep – SoFkknAmazing


Day 2 Finding Me

Two days back to back even tho the time difference isn’t more then 24 hours I could careless because as Drake said ‘fuck yu and your time difference’ my boy came in from going out and woke me up so I thought I would take my time and just write something at like 5 in the morning. I would never consider writing to be my passion nor my strong suit but it does feel great expressing myself thru words that enable some to get a whole new picture of you and how they see you. I’m not sure how many will see this if any do at all I just hope everyone who does get a good understanding of who I am. Right now I don’t fully understand myself at times I get every enraged at times I’m learning not to let others stupidity effect the way I carry myself. I started really started writing my book again I don’t have a full plot actually I really don’t know what I’m doing I’m just writing to feel my void and at least do something that I can hopefully publish so I can say that was also another mark i left in this world. Comments are welcomed if yu don’t want to leave it on here or don’t know how (your in the same boat as me) just hmu (hit me up) other then here I think I’ve had almost every social network possible I probably don’t go on or care for it much but I was there I signed up :). I have never done anything like this before just leaving my thoughts somewhere to be on display for anyone to see I wrote a few poems on MySpace before but does that even count. Today is all about me (actually everyday is about me I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but I think it should) I struggle I laugh I hate I love I care I forget I fail I succeed I live I learn I appreciate I can’t help but be who I am. And right now I am on a journey to find out who I am I currently am doing Tai Chi it does calm me I’m going to make time to meditate. I am an anime junkie I read comics so just interact with me I hate nonsense like literally dislike anything that doesn’t make sense. I just roll with the punches but if it don’t make cents the it doesn’t make sense. I feel everyone has a purpose and I know yu just can’t know what that purpose is because its part of the bigger picture. Just giving your self that chance trying things yu don’t know about listening reading watching even tasting I know there’s a lot of things I probably like now that I would of never even of thought twice about a year ago. No one is perfect and yu can’t be everyone’s friend but as far as I go I want to be known as the guy that was just so fucking amazing. I plan to hit up my twin today and talk about this show we suppose to get going tho I know a lot of people just make promises they can’t keep who knows why but I’m going to try and make sure that I enjoy my life the way I want to enjoy it.

im just having fun and i don’t care who sees living young wild and free

Corny I know but seriously trying to live my life my way not being reckless but being myself

– don’t judge by skin let people actions set the tone – SoFkknAmazing